P is for Pianissimo
by Ginger-Snapp
Summary: Bella never hung out with Jacob, Edward never came back. She got accepted to Washington State.What happens when the little reminders start to make her heal? Possibility of more chapters, but unlikely.
1. Chapter 1

P is for Pianissimo

By

Ginger_Snapp

Washington State was not a small school, in Bella's opinion, and she had quickly learned the back routes of the school, to avoid being trampled by the young college couples and romantic freshman. The loud roar of the chaotic hallways was just a dim murmur in her ears as she walked along the near empty hallway. Her books were heavy in her arms, and she felt a small gladness at being able to rid herself of them as the end of the day grew nearer.

She breathed a quiet sigh as she walked. This back corridor was seemingly endless, and her footsteps echoed loudly in the near silence. But, there, she had almost reached the end, save for the music room. A quiet tune carried out the open door, weaving in and out of Bella's thoughts. She could almost distinguish every note, until the song being played was discernable. The unmistakable sound of Clair De Lune played softly on the piano.

Sneaking to the edge of the door, Bella listened closely. Every soft, rhythmic note flowed together into a beautiful piece of perfect music. Each individual note pierced her heart to the core and then faded away into the flow of the music, indistinguishable, like droplets that form a stream. It slipped effortlessly through the numbness, bypassing her protective bubble, and wrapping her in the soft music. It strangled her heart, as if the staff of the piece were squeezing her to death. The notes bound her to the wall, unable to move, unable to breathe. Unable to think, which might have been a blessing in disguise. A soft sigh filled with pain and longing escaped her, barley more than a simple breath. Bella didn't move from here spot until the piece started to gradually slow, coming to an end. As the music trickled off into the last few notes, she held herself tightly and slid down the wall, curling in on herself.

Her breathing steadied as the loud sound of a bench being pushed back broke the spell. Bella shook slightly as the rustling of papers announced the sound of an approaching student. Never looking up from her notes, a blonde with large masses of tiny curls left the room, not noticing Bella at all in her distraction.

Binders and books pushed and pinched at her stomach where she had curled in on them, and her brown hair tickled her nose. It was a good distraction from the pain, but at the moment, Bella did not want a distraction. Slowly and hesitantly, she stood and turned. She was careful of her movements as she entered the room, pausing as if any wrong step could bring the pain she anticipated. Yes, this would cost her dearly later. But yet.

She took deep, steadying breaths as she cautiously moved to the back of the room. Bella barely looked away from her destination and she put down her things on a stack of violin cases. It was black. Modern, but not made to looks so. The wood was dark and worn, and you could see places the paint had been missed and only wood stain darkened the board. It was beautiful. Bella trailed her fingers over the top, walking from the back end to where the bench had been clumsily pushed back when the blonde musician had been done. Slowly and carefully, as if she would damage a priceless jewel, she opened it to expose all the keys. They were the worn, off white color of ivory, new, but not. It gave it a classic and timeless feel. Even the half notes were almost dark gray and not purely black. Lovely. For a long moment, Bella simply stood. No thoughts came. It was as if the numbness had intensified to something a bit more meaningful. She simply gazed at the keys, wrapped in her own sorrow.

Ever so slowly, she raised a thin finger, and pressed three keys, all in a single row. Sighing, she sat on the bench and scooted it forward slightly, as if she were being forced to do this, rather than it being voluntary. Evidence of the piano's modern-ness (word please?) was below the instrument, in the form of a small cart. Wires of all sort attached to the underside, but Bella clearly recognized a CD player, and a book of music. Every other electronic device on the cart was foreign to her. As if fate had told her to, she pressed the on button for the CD player, predicting what she would find. Flipping the pages of the book, she turned to what she was looking for.

She wasn't sure if fate was laughing or trying to reconcile by placing her here, but here she was. Clair de Lune played softly in the background, and there was faint light beneath each key as the note was played. She could see the red light wrap itself around the key and shine through each crack of the note she was meant to play. Instinctively, she looked at the cart again, and twisted a large dial. The notes slowed with accordance to the song, the lights lasting longer on each so that her unpracticed hands would be able to keep up. Weather fate was mocking or apologizing, she would never know, but it was with a sad ghost of a smile that Bella contemplated her morose luck.

Pushing a small button hidden on the side of the instrument, the song started over. And Bella played. It was a minor version, with shorter, more individual notes and only a few momentary chords. Slower and less flowing, but it was enough to recreate the sounds. If she could have, she would have closed her eyes to pretend that she somewhere else. For a moment, she could feel a soft rustle of clothes next to her, and she was afraid for a moment that her hands would brush with another's. The sun shone brighter into the room for a moment, as if a large window was on an opposite wall and it was much earlier in the day. Her fingers slowed even more, but amazingly, the song stayed with her. She reached a climax in the notes, and then it grew softer again, more slight. And finally, it played the last few bars, a repeat of the first in the song. She held her finger on the last note longer than it called for.

Light from the last of the setting sun philter in from the window, washing part of the room in a dull yellow orange. Particles of dust floated in the air, and the ending note resonated in the air before it was drowned out by heart wrenching sobs.


	2. Chapter 2

Pianissimo

_As if I never existed…_

By

Ginger_Snapp

The pain was terrible. She had cried so hard, until finally she fell asleep, right there on the piano bench. The air was chilly in the music room, and it felt good on her skin. The piano was cold and hard, and it was easy to fall asleep. Crying always left her eyes heavy and tired. A warm hand shaking her awake, a stark contrast to the cold arms of her dreams. Dazed and sore, she jerked up, and knocked over the piano bench.

"Wh-what?" she mumbled in confusion. Her vision focused and the frizzy haired blond she had seen earlier looked at her strangely.

"Are you…okay?" she asked warily, as if she was afraid Bella might attack her or do something else equally odd. Bella closed her eyes and squeezed them shut, trying to get the sleep out of them that way. The girl waited for a reply briefly, but then just made her own assumptions. Usually, it was easier that way for Bella. People just supplied their own answers for life. "Look, man, I understand you cutting class. Everyone needs a few extra hours in the mornings. But I've got to practice, and lessons start in a few minutes, so…."

Bella focused on the girls face. Her eyes were large and blue, well suited for her wide face and puffy cheeks. She wore a navy blue chorus tee-shirt and a handkerchief around her hair to keep it tamed. The girls words confused her, though. "Wait, what?" her voice came out as a croak from so much sleep. The girl stared her down, not in a mean way, but curiously. As if she were trying to figure out what this strange creature on her piano really was.

"Don't mean to be rude, kid, but you look like crap. Testing that bad for ya? I know, I've got one in third today." Obviously the girl liked to talk, but the words made no sense. The day was over.

"Wait, wait. What time is it," she asked, running a hand through her hair to try and smooth it down. Surely she hadn't slept that long.

"'bout five till noon. It'll be fourth in-"

"WHAT?" There was no way she had slept that long. She was tired, but she never, ever slept that long. Because of dorm rooms, Bella had had to break her habit of screaming. It caused chaos. People running and shouting, jumping on beds and running for the doors. Ten million people had tried to run into the room. It had been over the whole school. Bella had gone home and tested herself. And finally, she had gotten into the habit of waking up just before the screaming started. So maybe she could be tired, because she woke all the time.

But not this time. Bella could remember no dream of sin or sorrow in her sleep. Obviously she had not woken up, so that must have meant she didn't have the searching dream. The first time in….

"I've got to go," Bella rushed away and grabbed her stuff, sending the violin cases and the boxes of other assorted instruments tumbling. "Uhh…Uhh..Bye!" And then she just ran. Because she was realizing something. Some small epiphany in her head that she needed to think through.

Out the door, she heard the girl murmur, "Ummm, Bye?" like it was a question. But Bella kept running until she was outside, sitting under her favorite willow tree. But that wasn't enough. She wanted to be alone, out in the sunshine but secluded. And so, it took her nearly five minutes to find a good place to grab, and several failed attempts to climb up. Once she was as far as she could go, he found the perfect nook and lay back. Vines surrounded her like a curtain, shielding her from prying eyes though the Yard was nearly empty. And then she opened up her mind and explored her thoughts.

If she had slept dreamlessly, It could mean many things. But only one seemed right in her mind, though it seemed the least likely. She was healing. What could that mean? She examined last night.

She had sobbed, letting it all out. But, as horrible as it was, the squeezing contractions of her heart as it did summersaults in her chest, the pain was less than before, though she had permitted herself to go farther than she 'd ever gone. She felt the hole, trying to gauge its size, like examining a toothless gum that was closing up again. Was it any smaller? She didn't want to know. Because one thing she feared above all else.

Healing would be wonderful. It would be lovely to forget everything and be happy, to live her life normally as if he never existed. _As if he'd never existed…._ Just like he had said. Such a foolish promise. But what if it came true? If she healed, would her memory heal too? Would she loose the pictures in her head, never hear his voice even in her memory? Would she be able to conjure up his sent in her nostrils again? Could her mind, like a sieve, loose every moment of the happiest days of her life? If so, she didn't want to heal. She didn't want to lose him. It was more than she could bear. If she were to live in blissful ignorance of all that had passed, she would not feel the pain, but neither would she ever look back to the happiness. She couldn't lose him more than she already had.

But there was one thing she could try and do, to keep the memories fresh in her head, to make sure threat the pain tore open the hole that kept those memories alive. Bella didn't want to heal. And so, she would make sure she didn't. In fact, Bella experimented with it now.

The easiest thing to manage would be something close to what she had just done. A piano memory, since she knew she could handle piano, maybe she could also handle the thought of it.

_"Clair de Lune?" I asked, surprised. _

_"You Know Debussy?" He sounded surprised, too._

_"Not well," I admitted. "My mother plays a lot of classical music around the house – I only know my favorites."_

_"Its one of my favorites too." He stared out through the rain, lost in thought._

I shuddered back to reality, clutching my sides. It hurt, oh, how it hurt! The clutch was instinctive, and I had almost lost my balance on the limb. I quickly grabbed it, risking falling into pieces inside rather than breaking into pieces on the outside. The pain was so bad, but I waited for it to stop. I felt terrible, but I still remembered. That was good. I probably wouldn't need another memory in a while. All the same, I didn't want to take any chances. I thought to try for another, but I rejected it, knowing the one I had in mind would be a lot longer and harder to keep myself together. Definitely not something for a tree top sitting.

But by now, I was scared. I had just taken up a real memory, not a delusion, and not fallen out of a tree. That is hard for me to do when I'm perfectly fine, never mind gasping over with pain. This was not good. As crazy as it sounded, I was actually terrified of loosing those memories. Though it seemed like they were planet forever, forever now had a new definition, and her memories were not included in it. Faced with the choice of losing him or hurting constantly, she knew what she would choose. But It was hard for Bella, very hard, at the thought of those big memories, the ones she wanted to relive. The pain was too great now, and instinct kept her from pulling them out. But there was one thing she had proved she could handle. It had drudged up memories and brought pain and sorrow. It had made her remember him better than any other time. It had felt as if he was with her, the most beautiful of all phantoms and spirits. It was a perfect compromise. Remember, but not memories. Pain, but not torture. It would be the closest she could get to her phantom, if only she could learn to play it.

And so, Bella took nearly the rest of the period to climb slowly and carefully down. Forcing down her fear and building up her courage and determination, she picked up her binders and books, and went off to try and find the blond musician. If anyone could help her hold on, it would be that girl.


End file.
